Trigger warning: suicide, suicidal ideation, death
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There was a suicide on my campus.
I can’t help but think of the pain that drives such a desperate act.
I can’t help but feel that most people can’t understand.
I can’t help but remember.
If you looked at me, you wouldn’t know that these thoughts still visit me on a regular basis
the allure of death as an end to the pain
the seduction of nothingness to put a stop to the eternal torment.
If you looked at me you wouldn’t think that more than once I’d very nearly been that person
that statistic
that “crime” report sent out to others.
If you looked at me you wouldn’t deem me likely to have spent over a year and a half of my life looked up in mental institutions and treatment facilities
I don’t look like the “type”
But what is the “type”?
And does it even exist?
Or is it just a comfortable way for people to separate themselves from seeing how easily it can happen
how an unknown plot twist can change all
how no one is immune
to the sadness and sorrow that pulls into the depths of despair
where drowning is your savior
and death is your respite
and everything is so backwards
even life and death can be flipped without your knowledge.
I like to talk about it as if it were long ago
like these things never touch me anymore
never encroach on my present day life
are not still considered when the pain feels like more than I can handle.
That would be a lie.
I’ve spent more of my life wanting to die than being willing to live.
Three decades of pure struggle
brief moments of light that still seem to slip through fingers
out of reach just when I expect them to be there.
People say that I’m brave…am I?
What makes me, the one who lived any different
from him, this one who died?
it was brave to have lived as long as he had
it was brave to fight as hard as he had
it was brave to acknowledge as much as he had.
I have no idea how much it was,
but it was too much
it always is, after all,
is there really any other reason?
Dear one unable to continue to live
incapable of forcing yourself to breathe again
too tired to try
too weary to reach
too hopeless to ask again.
May you find peace.
They will say there was another way:
to end the pain
to quiet the plague
to finish the tale,
but I know that there was not,
not to you.
May the compassion you needed find you now
carry you to your overdue respite
a warrior man…a warrior child
fighting unseen battles
losing unseen wars.
Some will never see the courage that was you
but some,
like me,
will never forget it.